Friday, July 4, 2008

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's garden shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


Anonymous said...

hi mate, this is the canadin pharmacy you asked me about: the link

Nicole said...

That's too funny! =)

Nap Warden said...

So true...I did this once...ONCE!

AudreyO said...

Hi, I'm Audrey. I'm finally getting a chance to read all of the blogs from the bloggy carnival and loving what I'm finding.

I'm laughing so hard. I have two dogs. One takes his pills no problem. The other is the most brilliant dog alive. He will unwrap the bacon, cheese, etc and spit out the pill and eat the food. Ok, we'll outsmart him, so we take real chicken, you know the kind you and I eat. I put the pill deep inside a nice piece of chicken. I give him the chicken. When he spits out the pill, I'm dumbfounded.

Don't tell him but finally we found he loves peanut butter. If we smother the pill in peanut butter, he'll eat it :)

Munchkins and Music said...

So true! So funny!!

Gretchen said...

This is beyond true!!!!!!

Gattina said...

Hahaha ! I knew this already ! unfortunately we have to give one pill per day to my cat Lisa ! Her new trick is to hide from a certain hour on !

Shadow said...

this is toooo funny!

Momstart said...

my dogs would still spit out the pill

sarala said...

I laughed over this one. My two cats ran and hid!
I have a turtle now too. I hope I don't ever have to give her a pill!

Robin said...

so funny and so true....

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